Welcome back to Comeback Class. I am so excited to have you here, and I am so, so excited to be bringing you some new content that I think you’re really gonna love and that I hope is helpful for you.
If this is your first time listening and you are going through a breakup with a romantic partner, maybe it’s fresh or maybe it happened a little while ago, but you are still struggling with it, I want you to go to theheartbreaknurse.ck.page, and there I have an absolutely free resource for you.
It is my free cheat sheet which includes the seven things you can do right now to start feeling better. So go get that if you haven’t already. It’s theheartbreaknurse.ck.page.
Since it’s been a little while since we’ve hung out, I thought that this first episode back, we would simply just get back to basics and talk about how to get over a breakup, because that’s the thing that most people wanna know when they are going through this experience.
They wanna know how to get over it, how to move on, how to feel better. So that is what I wanna talk to you about today.
The truth of the matter is that a breakup can be extremely difficult and bring out painful emotions, but I want you to know that there are things you can do for yourself to help you heal and to move on.
The first thing that you should do during your healing process, and I feel like it’s something that gets overlooked a lot, but it’s to take time to process your emotions. It’s really important to allow yourself to feel and express your emotions after a breakup, because let’s be honest, there are a lot of them.
So figure out exactly how it is that you’re feeling. Do you feel sad, depressed, anxious? Are you relieved? Are you mad? Are they all negative emotions or do you also have positive emotions regarding your split? Figure out exactly how it is that you’re feeling, and then find a healthy and productive way to express those feelings, whether it’s talking to someone that you trust, like a best friend, or journaling and just getting everything out on paper.
Because the problem lies when we internalize our emotional pain and we bottle everything up and we don’t talk about it. We just kind of ruminate over it in our heads, because over time, that can really wreak havoc on our mental and emotional wellbeing. And unfortunately, what happens when we don’t learn to express our emotions in a healthy way, we start to take on an unhealthy coping mechanism and sometimes self-destructive behaviors.
And I want you to know that your feelings are valid no matter what they are. You don’t need to apologize to yourself or anyone else for the feelings that you’re having. They are completely normal. It is perfectly normal to have a wide range of emotions when you are going through an experience like this. The important thing is that you identify what they are and find a safe way to express them.
The second thing that you should do is to cut off contact with your ex or with your previous partner.
Now, if you have gone online and looked for any sort of breakup advice, this is what you will hear a lot about. And that is the no contact rule. Now, different people have different opinions on what this means or what it is.
I will tell you this, I do not think that there’s such a thing as a no contact rule. Some people will try to say things like, oh, no contact rule 30 days and then blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Your ex comes running back and everything is cupcakes and rainbows. That is not a good way to look at things, and it’s very likely that you are going to end up disappointed.
So anytime someone says that there is some kind of hard and fast rule, it’s kind of like a “get rich quick scheme.” They don’t exist. That’s why you need to do these things like process your emotions and work on your personal growth because there’s no trick in any secret book somewhere that is going to help you get your ex back if that is what you’re after.
Now, when I talk about the no contact rule, I’m talking about completely stopping contact with this person – for you. You’re not doing it to punish them, be mean to them. Be spiteful. You are doing it so that you can take the time and the space to do what you need to do for yourself. To me, that is what no contact means, and that’s what it’s for – so start right now and delete you ex’s number.
Now, as you can imagine, doing something like this is not easy. It’s incredibly difficult when you are used to talking to someone every single day, sometimes multiple times a day. It’s very hard to just go “cold turkey” and stop talking to this person that you were once in a relationship with. But there is something that I want you to remember. If this person broke up with you, they do not want to hear from you.
They may say that they do in an effort to be kind and gracious towards you, or maybe they do actually really care how you’re doing, but that is not going to help you in the short term. You know, we can talk about how to stay friends with an ex and things like that, and that all those things are are possible, but in the immediate aftermath, so to speak, of a breakup, you keeping in touch with this person is not going to do you any favors.
Now, of course, there’s a lot of different situations where a relationship ends and this may not be possible, like if you live together or if you are co-parenting children. So that’s a little bit of a different ball game, and we can talk about that too. But if you are in a situation where it is possible for you to stop talking to your ex partner and not have to see them, then that is your best option.
There are a lot of people out there who will say, oh, I just can’t do that. I can’t do that. No, you can do it. You just don’t wanna do it. Even if you are hoping for some kind of reconciliation down the line, that is not going to be possible. If you are in constant contact with this person, you need to take time and you need to take space away from each other to really figure out yourselves and figure out what wasn’t working in the relationship. Because if you jump right back into it, you’re gonna end up having the same problems and end up in the same situation. So regardless of whether or not it’s done forever or “maybe we will talk about getting back together in the future.” Either way, the best thing you can do during this time is just to focus on yourself and leave them alone.
Side note: this may also be a really great time to consider a social media detox. Cutting off contact with your former partner does not include keeping tabs. If you know that you’re going to cyber-stalk, and potentially feel worse, prevent those negative feelings from popping up NOW and just hit the block button.
Number three is to lean on friends and family. Right now you should be spending time surrounding yourself with supportive people who can listen to you and offer you comfort and encouragement. Now, obviously, you want to be respectful of this relationship and not talk about your problems and your breakup every single time that you see these people because it will get old. But people who really care about you and want the best for you will be there for you when you need it.
And the thing to remember is to also be there for those people when they are going through hard times because it goes both ways, right? There’s little that will make you appreciate the good people in your life more than when you are really going through some emotional turmoil and they are there just to listen like that is, that is one of the best things that that you can do for someone.
And it really shows a lot about a person’s character. So if you have these people in your life, you are very, very lucky, and I’m sure that they are more than willing to be a support person for you during this time. Just remember to return the favor, should it ever be needed.
The next thing is to engage in self-care. And self-care has become a really popular topic in recent years, and I think it’s a good thing because so many of us devote our lives to things that are outside of ourselves, like our jobs or our families, and it’s really important to also take the time to take care of yourself – especially when you’re trying to get over a breakup.
And there’s a lot of different ways that you can do that. But when it comes to break up self-care, you really wanna take care of yourself both emotionally and physically, because the two go hand in hand.
So this can include things like exercising, eating well, getting enough sleep, and just finding healthy ways to cope with your emotions. Now, I’m not saying you should start some extreme diet or start working out like a fiend.
There’s this whole thing about having a revenge body and looking really good so that the person that broke up with you will be sad and and jealous and upset about it. And I really just think that’s so stupid.
Honestly, w if you’re gonna do something like that – if you really wanna get into shape and get fit and, and look really good, I want you to do that for yourself. You don’t need to do that for someone that didn’t want to be with you in an effort to make them want to be with you or to make them feel bad about not being with you. Do not lose sight of who the main character is here – and that is you.
So if you’re determined to really get into shape and look amazing, do it for yourself. It’s, it’s so much more worth it. Now, for some of us, taking care of ourselves physically is not going to look anywhere near that. For some people it’s gonna be just getting out of the house and going for a walk, and that is your physical self-care for the day, and that is totally fine. The point is that you are taking some kind of action that aids your physical wellness and your emotional wellbeing.
Number five is to seek professional help. And I want you to understand that no matter how small or insignificant you think that your problems are compared to all the problems or issues going on in the world, there is not a therapist out there, a good therapist that is going to say, oh, your problems aren’t big enough.
You won’t hear a mental health expert say, “I can’t work with you.” Or, “oh, it was just a breakup. You’ll be fine. Get over it.” Remember to have self compassion and realize that it’s OK if this experience is hard for you.
Honestly, it is so helpful to be able to talk to someone who is not directly related to your situation, who can look at things from a different perspective from the outside in without any biases, and just be able to listen to everything that you’re saying and to help you understand everything that you’re feeling. So this goes along with processing your emotions and taking care of your mental health.
So it’s not something that is as taboo as it used to be, because so many people go to therapy now, but it’s such an important thing. As much as we emphasize focusing on our physical wellness, we also need to focus on our mental and emotional wellness because the truth is that they all go together. So when you’re improving one of those aspects of your life, you’re gonna improve the others as well.
A professional counselor is trained to help you manage your issues and help you deal with the things that you’re struggling with. So why not take advantage of that if you have the ability to do so post breakup? I highly, highly encourage you to go to therapy and get some support, especially while you are dealing with some of these really heavy emotions after your relationship ended.
Doing this work will also help you learn to better handle future relationships, as well as other relationships in your life, like with family and friends.
Number six is to find new hobbies or activities. And this sounds very generic and kind of like, “yeah, okay, I’ll just go get a new hobby and I’ll be fine.” But the truth is that when you find something new that you’re interested in or maybe something old that you just haven’t really done in a while, it can kind of light a spark in you and get you excited again for something, which sometimes is really what we need – just to be excited about something moving forward.
So regardless of what it is, or whether it’s an old hobby or it’s a new hobby, when you find something to preoccupy your time, it will give your brain the ability to relax a little bit and not think so much about the pain and all of the emotions that you’re feeling.
You’re expressing those emotions, but you also need to have time where you’re not, you’re not constantly thinking about those things. You need to be able to relax and to be able to focus on something else. And you don’t need to try to take on a hundred different hobbies at once. Just start with one thing. Like if you were to ask yourself, what’s one thing I always wanted to try, but I never did?
Like, for example, knitting. I always wanted to learn how to knit. I never did it. I would love to still learn how to do it, but I, I’m doing 40,000 other things right now, but if I were in this situation, that might be something that I would try to do because it’s something that’s gonna stimulate my brain and it’s going to preoccupy me, and it’s also creative.
So if you can find something like that, it will be super, super helpful for you just to be able to have something else to focus on and to be able to have something else to look forward to.
Now, I’m already introverted, so it probably would be more beneficial for me to do something like join a kickball club or something like that, but do something that works for you. And if it’s something that allows you to be social, then even better.
The important thing is that you’re learning to focus less on your former flame, and more on the relationship you have with yourself – the most important relationship you’ll have in your life (in my humble opinion).
Now these last two are less of things to do, but more so reminders, just to keep in mind as you go through this process of mending your broken heart.
The first one is to remember that time does heal. Obviously, it would be great if we could just put a time limit on our pain and say, okay, three months from now, I’ll have fully processed this and gone back to my normal self. Everything is gonna be great, and I’ll be just fine and I won’t care anymore. It doesn’t happen like that, unfortunately.
First of all, the the grieving process, whenever you are grieving something, in this case, the loss of your previous relationship, that process is never going to be linear. So you’re never, you’re not going to just feel really bad and then each day feel a little bit better and then a little bit better, and then a little bit better, and then you’re fine, right? Sometimes you have a really good day, and then sometimes you have a really bad day.
But the truth is that over time, you will have less bad days and more good days. So in that regard, time does heal, but you have to allow it to happen.
You have to understand that it’s going to take time, but also utilize this period where you are waiting and you’re still feeling kind of funky and still experiencing those negative emotions.
Utilize that time and find new hobbies and activities like we talked about. Find ways to preoccupy your brain, preoccupy your time and things will get a lot easier, a lot quicker.
My final piece of advice, and the last reminder is do not rush into a new relationship. A lot of us do this and we’re not even conscious that we do this, but we tend to, as soon as we end a relationship with someone or someone ends a relationship with us, we are immediately looking for something new to regain a sense of self-esteem.
Now, the problem when you do that is you are not taking the time to work on yourself. And people may say, well, who cares? Do I really need to work on myself? I’m fine.
But, the reality is you need to look at your past relationship and figure out what went wrong. And if it was things on their side, then then you know what to look out for in your next relationship.
And if it was things on your side, which most of the time it’s a combination of both, but if it’s stuff going on on your end that you need to figure out and sort out, then you absolutely need to be doing that before you go and enter into a new relationship.
Otherwise, you’re gonna end up in the same kinds of relationships and ending up in the same situation. It becomes a cyclic pattern, and you don’t want to be reliving this pattern and this scenario for your entire life.
So do yourself the favor. If this relationship ending was really hard, if you’re going through a breakup that’s really difficult, give yourself some time to heal before you go ahead and try to start a new relationship.
Because the reality is, and I’ve said this a million times, and I’ll say it forever – I’ll die on this hill. The person that you are gonna spend your entire life with, the one person is yourself.
So if you don’t like yourself or you, you have things about yourself that you know you need to work on, now is the time to do it in terms of relationships you have succeeded when you are in a relationship that you want and not one that you need.
All right, I’m gonna jump off my soapbox now and say thank you so much once again for hanging out with me. If you wanna hang out with me some more, then come and follow me on Instagram at The Heartbreak Nurse. If you’re looking for some breakup advice and would like to have your question answered on the show, go ahead and shoot your favorite relationship coach an email. It’s firstname.lastname@example.org. Obviously, all of these will be anonymous, but I will be taking your questions and answering them and giving you my best advice. So go ahead and send your questions to email@example.com, and I will see you soon.
Are you ready and determined to make this next season of your life the best season of your life? I believe that any person who is willing to invest in their personal growth has the ability to accomplish anything, and I wanna give you the tools to make that happen. That’s why I created Heartbreak Hero. It’s my premier program designed to help high value people just like you heal post breakup, discover who they truly are, and find their ideal partner. Visit theheartbreaknurse.com to sign up now and get ready to make your comeback.
ICU nurse by day,
breakup coach by night.
After dealing with a devastating heartbreak that turned my world upside down, I made a conscious decision to pursue the life of my dreams and never settle.
Now, I teach other women how to do the same.
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FUN FACT: MY FAVORITE PIZZA IS HAWAIIAN (AND I'LL NEVER CHANGE MY MIND ABOUT IT!)
"Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.”
- Dalai Lama
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