In this episode, Lauren discusses the dilemma of being in a relationship where you are more in love with the idea of it than the actually reality of it. This episode was inspired by a reel that can be found on @theheartbreaknurse Instagram.
Hello, my friend. And welcome back to comeback class. How is your week going? I hope ever everything is going well in your world, wherever you are, whatever you’re up to. And I just wanna thank you as always for joining me. It’s been such a pleasure to be able to connect with so many of you and to know that you are enjoying the podcast. So thank you so much. Again, today’s episode is actually inspired by a reel that I posted on Instagram. I think it was last week. And it’s funny because I try to post reels as often as possible for a couple of reasons. One, because people just really seem to like them and two, because Instagram really likes them. So they tend to show those posts. Two more people so anyhow. And sometimes they don’t always gain traction right away.
Sometimes it takes a little while, but this one for whatever reason gained a lot of attention. I don’t know that I can say it went viral because I don’t really know what that means. But anyway, it, it, a lot of people liked it and commented on it. So I thought that I would make an episode about it. And in real, it’s funny because I was honestly, I, I was waiting for my mom to be done with an appointment and I was sitting in the car and it just kind of the thought just kind of came into my head. So I thought, okay, I’m gonna just make a quick reel. And of course, those are always the ones that, you know, do better than you expected. So, anyhow what I asked in the short video was, are you in love with him or are you in love with the idea of who you thought he could be?
Now, this, I just came up with this on a whim. But I do think that this is a question that needs to be asked. It’s a question that a, I think a lot of us really need to think about. I think it’s something that a lot of us probably experience while we’re in a relationship, but it’s something that we maybe avoid talking about or it’s something that we may just feel on the inside. So it’s something that I wanted to chat with you about and sort of explain this concept further so that you understand what I’m talking about. Now. I wanna be clear that there is no either or on this situation, you don’t have to either be in love with someone or be in love of, be in love with the thought of being with that person. I know it’s kind of confusing but you can love someone very much but also have an idea or a fantasy in your head about how the relationship should be.
So I just wanna offer to you that there is also a third part of this, which is, do you love the reality of the situation that you’re in? So are you in love with the person that you’re with? Are you in love with the current reality of the situation and the relationship, or are you in love with the idea of what you thought the relationship could be and what you thought that person could be? Now? The reason that I think this question is so important to think about is because I have seen so many people that stay in relationships for years or decades, even waiting for their partner to change or hoping that they will change. And you have to remember, like I say, all the time is that you only have control over your thoughts, feelings, and actions. You don’t have control over other people’s.
So you can love someone to pieces, but if they are not willing to work on themselves or on the relationship, then you cannot force them to do that. You cannot force them to become a person that they don’t want to be. And someone actually asked me, well, what do you do if you realize that you actually just love the idea of what the relationship could be or what the person could be. And the answer to that is you have to decide what’s best for you. If you love this person and you wanna stick it out and you’re okay with dating them and being in a relationship with them or being married to them exactly as the person that they are, then that’s one thing. But if you, on the other hand say, you know what not feeling fulfilled in this relationship, I can see that this person is not going to change.
They’re not even willing to really have a discussion about it. Then you really have to just sit down and think about whether or not that is the best situation for you to be in. That is that’s a personal decision and that’s something you have to figure out on your own. Now getting up and leaving a relationship that you’ve been in for years or possibly decades obviously is a lot easier said than done. But I just want you to remember that you do have choices. You always have choices. I don’t want you to limit the possibilities for your life because you are waiting around for this other person to change or make some kind of decision or just get on board with whatever it is that you want. Now, my experience with this had to do with addiction and trying to decide whether or not that was something that I was willing to deal with potentially for the rest of my life.
Now, as God always works in mysterious ways, he took me out of that SI situation by ending that relationship for me, even though that was not what I wanted at the time. But you know, now in hindsight, I see that it was the best thing for me because the bottom line was that person was not going to stop those behaviors. And therefore I was never going to have the, a life and the relationship that I really wanted because that person had absolutely no interest in changing. Now, if that relationship hadn’t ended for me and it was actually up to me, I probably would have stayed in it even longer and wasted a lot of precious time, again, waiting for that person to change or waiting for them to grow out of their issues. Now nobody’s perfect. Certainly we all have issues. And if you are in a relationship where you both have issues and you’re willing to work on them together, then that’s one thing.
But if there is, you know, one person who is having a hard time with something and the other person doesn’t see the problem with that, and kind of just refuses to acknowledge the problem, then, then you have a really tricky situation. So I suppose the real question is, do you love the reality of the situation that you’re in of the relationship that you are currently in? And you can say, I love this person, but I absolutely hate the state of this relationship. Then you need to decide, is this something that I want to try to work on? Or is this a bit of a lost cause? And you know, some people may think, well, you know, that’s just giving up or if you’re married, you know, a lot of, a lot of people believe that marriage is forever and you have to work it out no matter what.
And no matter what you think is, is totally fine. But again, like I said, you always have options. You do not have to force yourself, be in a situation where you are absolutely miserable. Now I do not believe that is what God intended for us is to have miserable, sad lives, where we’re really unhappy. I think, you know, part of life is to figure out the things that bring you and learn how to cultivate joy and happiness, both within yourself and in your relationships. And now don’t get me wrong. There are always going to be hard times. There are always going to be problems in life. There are always going to be problems in relationships, but if your entire relationship is a problem, that is not the way that that life is supposed to be a relationship is supposed to enhance your life. So if it is causing you a lot of stress or making things harder on you than they need to be, then you really, really need to evaluate if this is the right relationship for you to be in.
I think a lot of us have this fear that if we end our current relationship, despite the fact that we are so unhappy, that we will never find anything better or that maybe nobody will love us as much as that person does. But the thing is you will never know unless you try, unless you make an attempt. And I promise you spending time alone as a single person, whether it be for a few months or you years or whatever is a thousand times better than spending decades in a relationship or in a marriage where you are miserable now for the women and the people that are out there dating with the intention of finding someone to be to, you need to be very careful and very selective about the people that you get into these situ ships with, because you can meet somebody and think, oh my gosh, he would be such a great boyfriend.
And he would be such a great husband and father and this and that. But if that person is not interested in those things, it’s just a fantasy. You need to find somebody that is aligned with the vision that you see for yourself. Otherwise you’re just wasting time. So I really encourage you to just remember that as you’re out there in the dating world is that you don’t wanna, don’t break your own heart. It’s just, , it’s not necessary. If somebody tells you, listen, I’m not, you know, I’m not interested in having anything serious or a long term thing. And I don’t know if I ever wanna get married, or I don’t know if I ever wanna have kids and you know that you want all those things, then you need to turn your little butt right around and go find somebody else. I’m serious. A person who knows their value does not waste time with people that do not appreciate their value.
I was watching, I think it was a TikTok yesterday and it was kind of like a funny one, but the girl was saying that she was in a situation ship for six months with this guy. And then she finally asked him the, what are we question? And he said something like, oh, well, I mean, you’re not my girlfriend and I just like, I had to laugh. And I, I think I actually commented on it. And I was like six months girl, What the heck? And she laughed, but it’s just, You know, don’t, Don’t waste that much of your time. It’s not necessary. There are so many people out there in the world. And I think a lot of times that when we feel rejected by someone or we get the sense that someone does not want us, like, we want them, then we become obsessed with them and getting them to want us. And it’s just a really gross kind of place to be in. And I’m not judging cuz I I’ve been there myself. Like, you know, don’t, don’t get me wrong on that. However, now that I am older and wiser, not really you know, I realized that like, I, I did not need to do all that. You know, as I’ve, as I’ve grown and sort of matured you know, I know what my value is now. I don’t need to be in a situation ship with somebody for six months for just for them to tell me, oh, well you’re not my girlfriend. Like, no, we’re not doing that. And this stuff can be complicated at times. It really can be.
You can really like somebody and really feel that they’re genuine. And then slowly start to realize that maybe they’re not. And you know, people, people will blow a lot of smoke up your and, and make you think you know, and say things to you that make you think that you are it. And you know, you have to just be cautious and you, you know, like I mentioned before, once you have this vision in your mind of what you want your life to look like, what you want your future to look like, what you want your ideal partner to look like and be like an act like then it would be so much easier for you to just weed out all the shenanigans. You know, as the old saying goes, life is short. You don’t wanna waste time with people that do not see your value.
It’s just not, it’s just not worth it. You are better off spending the time by yourself while you wait for the right person and working on yourself in the meantime, go get in the best shape you’ve ever been in in your life. Go make a ton of money, go pick up some new hobbies, make some new friends and you will be so fulfilled that you won’t even have time to worry about not about being alone or not being with someone, the right person for you will be someone that you are absolutely in love with that. You love the idea of your future together. And you also love the reality of your current situation. They’re going to check all of those boxes. All I’m saying is, and all I want for you is to be intentional with the people that you are bringing to your life and the people that you are letting stay there, regardless of how much you care about them.
You know, the future that you see with them, et cetera, et cetera, just be very intentional about your choices and about who you, who you choose to keep around you. Now, this conversation can go on and on and on. And there are so many different types of experiences that I’m sure people have had you know, in this kind of situation. So if this is something that you want to chat about, you can always reach out to me. The easiest way would be to DM me at the heartbreak nurse on Instagram. And I’m always looking for, and thinking of different things to talk about on the podcast, things that you may find helpful. So if you have any suggestions or anything that you wanted to hear about or to have a discussion about, please let me know. You can also DM me with, with your ideas as well for the podcast.
And if you are enjoying the show, I would appreciate it. So, so much, if you could leave a review for me or a rating of the podcast because what that does is it lets other people be able to find the podcast and listen to it. And it allows us to continue to grow this community and really help people who maybe in similar situations and may find this information helpful. I feel so fortunate to have you here listening to this, and I hope that the podcast has been helpful for you. I always hope that my content is helpful for, for you. But I just wanna thank you again. So, so much for being here. It really, really means a lot to me that you are letting me help you on this journey. So I thank you so much and I will see you next week in the next episode, take care of everyone.
ICU nurse by day,
breakup coach by night.
After dealing with a devastating heartbreak that turned my world upside down, I made a conscious decision to pursue the life of my dreams and never settle.
Now, I teach other women how to do the same.
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FUN FACT: MY FAVORITE PIZZA IS HAWAIIAN (AND I'LL NEVER CHANGE MY MIND ABOUT IT!)
"Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.”
- Dalai Lama
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