What Your Breakup Can Do For You

Have you ever gone through a breakup and asked yourself, “why is this happening to me?” or “what did I do to deserve this?” What if, instead, you asked “what can this breakup do for me?” Sound weird? In this episode, Lauren guides you through how to look at your breakup from a different perspective – one where it can serve you. You’ll learn about different ways to change your mindset when it comes to bouncing back from heartbreak.

[FREE GUIDE] 7 Things to Do After the Breakup

What’s up everybody. And welcome back to comeback class. This is Lauren AKA, the heartbreak nurse. And in today’s episode, we are going to talk about the things that your breakup can do for you. Now, you might be thinking, what, what does that even mean? let me explain. So a lot of times when a relationship ends, we may think to ourselves, why is this happening to me? Or what did I do to deserve this? And I want you to know it’s totally normal to have this kind of response. However, it is possible to change your mindset and to think instead, what does this make possible for me? And I think you’ll find once you start digging in and really trying to answer question for yourself, that it will make a lot more sense. I think for many of us that when we’re in a relationship, that relationship becomes, um, one of our priorities in our lives and usually our number one relationship priority, you know, in comparison to relationships with family and friends and things like that, because that is, you know, the person that you are spending the most time with, um, which totally makes sense because you are in a relationship with that person.

However, sometimes in relationships we can be so consumed with the other person that we a, of our energy is focused on, you know, the things that they want and need and the things that the relationship needs, et cetera. So once you experience a breakup and you are single again, it does give you that time and that ability to really only be responsible for yourself. So it gives you that time to really think about the things that you want and need, and maybe some of the things that you were neglecting while you were so focused on the other person. And I don’t mean to say that, like, it’s a bad thing. Like I said, it’s totally normal. And, you know, we do tend to prioritize our romantic relationships. But what I want you to do is try to utilize this time and take advantage of this time.

One of the first things that I would suggest you do is to ask yourself this question, what does this breakup do for me? What does this allow for me to do? The first thing that I want you to do is to really sit down and think about your goals. Now, sometimes our goals can change when we’re in a relationship because we are, you know, uh, visualizing our future as being with that person. And then when that person is no longer in the picture, so to speak that vision and those goals are likely to change. Now, you may have had goals prior to when you met this person and then they change while you were in the relationship. So you may want to revisit those goals that you had prior, or you may have entirely new goals that you want to pursue.

You know, maybe you always wanted to go back to school, but you never had the time because you were busy with your relationship, or maybe you wanted to start a business or you wanted to train for a marathon. Um, it could really be anything. So definitely sit down and take the time to think about what your goals were before the relationship, uh, how, how those have changed now, or even the goals that you had while you were in the relationship that you can still pursue, but maybe do it in a different way. This is really going to you, help you shift your mindset from a place of, uh, negative thoughts and anxiety to a place of hopefulness, um, and maybe even some excitement for the future. The second thing that I would suggest doing is to start focusing on your other relationships. There’s a good chance that maybe you did neglect some other relationships with family members or friends or whoever, and it’s likely that this wasn’t done intentionally, but it is just something that happens when we get into relationships.

Again, a lot of times we, we become, um, very consumed by the relationship and spending time with our partner that sometimes we just don’t spend as much time with, um, the other people in our lives that we care about. So this is a great time to start nurturing those other relationships. Now, sometimes we tend to think that these other people in our lives will be mad at us or resentful because we didn’t spend as much time with them as we used to while we were in our relationship or something like that. But from my own personal experience, I found that the people that really love you and care about you and want the best for you will understand. And there was a particular time in my life where I had a boyfriend that was very controlling and, um, didn’t really like me to spend time with friends or even family which, you know, looking back on it, I sometimes I still can’t believe that I got myself into that situation. But it’s something that does happen.

So once I was out of that relationship and I was no longer being in control and, you know, emotionally abused by this person, I was able to reconnect with other people in my life that were important to me. And, you know, everyone welcomed me back with open arms. And I think that, you know, if you are, or were in a similar situation, that the people in your life who love you and care about you will also do the same thing. The third thing that I would suggest is that you start to rediscover your interests. What were the things that you enjoyed doing and participating in before you were in a relationship? You know, sometimes we date people and we discover that we have some similar interests, and then we also might be interested in things that that person doesn’t like at all, or vice versa.

So maybe you love to travel, but the person that you were with was afraid of flying. So you haven’t traveled in a really long time. Well, now’s the perfect time. The point is that although life has handed you the proverbial bowl of lemons, this is a perfect opportunity to make your lemonade. This is the perfect opportunity for you to really revisit your goals and what it is that you want for your life and who you are to grow and nurture the other relationships in your life as well. And this was something that I discovered when I was going through this experience myself, I found that it was it was the best way for me to cope. And it was a healthy way for, for me to process my emotions and to get my mindset in a more positive place.

A lot of times when we are going through a breakup, we’re spending a lot of mental energy on thinking about the past and rehashing everything in our minds about the relationship and what could have happened and what should have happened. And we’re very, we’re very focused on the past. And while I do think it’s really important to take the time that you feel is necessary to grieve the ending of the relationship and to go through that sort of roller coaster of emotions. That that’s definitely part of it. However, I feel like it can be very easy to get trapped in that mindset and the, that cycle of thoughts where you’re just having constant anxiety and it’s really just causing you an immense amount of stress. And I know sometimes the worst thing you can hear when you’re upset and you’re grieving is for someone to say, oh, well, you know, , you gotta think of the glass half full and you know, the sun will come out tomorrow and you kind of just don’t wanna hear that stuff. And that makes complete sense and I’ve, I’ve been there, so I totally get it.

But at some point you are going to have to take a hard look at your mental wellness and say to yourself, are these thoughts serving me? You know, are the, are the things that I’m thinking and the scenes that I’m replaying in my head, are they making me better or are they holding me back? And once you realize that they are in fact holding you back, you can consciously decide to change the way that you are thinking, and you can decide, I am going to make the best of this really crappy situation you can say to yourself, you know, what as painful as this experience was, and is I am not going to let it dictate the rest of my life. I am not going to let this experience defeat me. I want you to believe that you are going to come back even stronger from this.

And the, as cliche as the saying is that everything happens for a reason. It is absolutely true. And a lot of times, times hindsight is 2020. You don’t see things that way as they’re happening, but sometime down the road, I think that you’ll find that this ending of this relationship had to happen for a reason. There, there can be a multitude of reasons, but one of which that I have discovered now that I am so far removed from, from my old relationships and those situation ships and whatnot is that they were holding me back from my true potential. And they were holding me back from becoming the person that I was supposed to be. And that’s something that you may discover as well. You know, I was in a place a few years ago where I was ready to just settle down and get married and have a family and live in the same town and work at the same place.

And that was just in my mind, that was my happily ever at after. So when my relationship ended and I realized that things were not going to play out exactly the way that I had imagined in my head, I realized I can totally change the script and totally change the narrative of my life. You know, even though those are still things that I would love to do, maybe then was not the time for those things to happen. And, and once I realized that I had so much more peace and not only that, but then I started really digging deep thinking about what, well, what is it that I actually really want? And I, what I, what I realized was that I wanted to move somewhere different and, and live in a different town or a different state. And I wanted to buy real estate on my own without, you know, without somebody else, I wanted to own property on my own.

I wanted to become an entrepreneur and start businesses. And these were all things that I was able to start working on once I wasn’t being held back by traditional idea of happily ever after. And I really think it’s so interesting how sometimes what we see as setbacks or failures are actually just major redirections. And again, a lot of time, these are things that we don’t realize until we are, you know, months and years out. So if you could just think about your situation now, and then think about where you could be a year, five, 10 years from now, will this still be the way worst thing that ever happened to you, or might you think, wow, if that never happened, then I would’ve never accomplished a, B and C and I would’ve never met this amazing person, or I wouldn’t be the person that I am today.

I think if you, if you try to think about a, your future from the future, right? So think about, come from a place of being yourself, but you know, a year, five, 10 years from now, it will really help you find peace with the present and be able to say this all happened for are my, for my best interest. This all happened for my greater good. What I want you to understand probably more than anything else is that you have so much more control over this situation than you think you do. I feel like during breakups or after your breakup, we feel like we don’t have any control, especially if that person decided to end the relationship and we were not expecting it. We may feel like we have no control over the situation. But the reality is that you do, you absolutely have control over your, your thoughts, your feelings in your actions, and you have the ability to change your mindset and come from a different place to change your thoughts into more positive ones as you break away from the negative ones.

And it’s not always easy. It’s not, you don’t need to be hard on yourself. If you are having those negative thoughts, all you need to do is re-shift your focus to the present and to the future. What are you grateful for right now? What does this situation allow you to do right now? What do you want for the future? And what steps can you take between now and then to get there? I want you to know that you do not have to go through this journey alone. This is ex exactly why I wanted to start this kind of coaching business and help people who are in the situation that you are in, because I have been there myself and I know how difficult it is. So I wanted to be able to be a mentor and a guide for those who need it. So just know that there is someone there who understands what you’re going through, who has also been through it.

And fortunately, I have learned so much through my own experiences that I, all I wanna do is to be able to let you know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. And not only that, but I think I truly believe that your life can be so much better than you could have ever imagined. And that this relationship ending this heartache, that you’re feeling is because there is something so much greater than you could have ever imagined that is waiting for you on the, the other side, if you are still really struggling right now, and feel like you don’t even know how to begin to start feeling better, I do have a free resource that I wanna share with you. It is a free guide called seven things to do right after the breakup. And I’m going to put the link to that in the show description so that you can download that it is a PDF document that will just give you some quick and easy steps to start feeling better and start clothing that chapter. And if you’re not already come hang out with me on Instagram at the heart break nurse. Thank you so, so much for listening and I will see you in the next episode.