Toxic Relationships Pt. 2: Breaking Up with Toxic

Welcome back to Comeback Class. I am so glad to have you here. This week is gonna be part two of our
two part series on toxic relationships. So last week we talked about the signs of a toxic relationship,
what it looks like, and now we’re gonna talk about how to get out of a toxic relationship and the
different strategies and approaches that you can take. Now, before we get into it, I want to answer a
question that was asked to me about toxic relationships. And that is, can they be fixed? So can a toxic
relationship be fixed? Sure, it could do. I think that in most cases they should probably not. And I’m
going to tell you why. If a relationship has already gotten to the point where it has spiraled down into
this place of being what we would consider toxic, it would take a lot of deep work in order for it to be
repaired.

And that would include typically the help of a counselor or a mental health professional, which that’s
not the hard part. The hard part would be these two people being fully 100% committed to repairing the
relationship and working on themselves separately as individuals, as well as together collectively. This
requires both people to understand that there is a problem and each of them is willing to fix the
problem. Now, for someone who is manipulative or controlling, it’s very likely that they are not going to
have the self-awareness to recognize that they do exhibit those behaviors. And they are probably going
to say something like, well, I don’t need therapy, or, I’m not the problem. You are the problem you see.
So it’s gonna be very difficult for both people to be on the same page about this, and I feel like a lot of
people stay in these types of relationships for a couple of reasons.

One of which is that they are simply afraid of ending it because they don’t want to be alone or they
clinging onto this hope that things will just repair themselves. And eventually, one day when this
happens or when that happens, things will be better. And sometimes the sad reality is that people spend
years or decades thinking that this relationship is going to get better and it just never does. So you have
to do some self-reflection and really just look at the relationship and ask yourself, if this were not to get
better, do I want to live like this for the rest of my life? Now, the person who had asked me this question
also stated that if there are kids involved, they should at least try. Now I have a very strong opinion on,
on this, and some people may not agree, and that’s okay, but I’m going to say it because it is what I feel
in my heart to be true.

And that is if you are in a toxic, unhealthy relationship or marriage and you are concerned about your
children and thinking that you need to keep the relationship together for the sake of the children, I, I
want to offer this to you. Do you think it is better for a child to grow up in a toxic, abusive, dysfunctional
household as opposed to having to split their time between mom’s house and dad’s house? Now, I will
say that I am not a parent. I do believe that people should do whatever they feel is best for their own
family, their own children. This is simply my opinion. However, as a child of divorced parents, I can tell
you that I am fine. I am stable, I am healthy and happy, and everything turned out fine. And you know
what? I am actually grateful that my parents chose to end their relationship when they did because
things probably would have been a lot different had we ha had we had to stay in a toxic, dysfunctional
household.

The things that we observe and we learn during childhood have a huge effect on who we become as
adults. And many of the issues that adults face today are rooted in their childhood experiences and their
childhood traumas. So I just want you to remember that and take that into account. If this is something
that you are struggling with now, if you have made the decision or the realization that you are in fact in
a toxic relationship and you know you need to end it, but you just don’t know how, I want to give you a
list of ways that you can do that. The first thing that I would suggest that you do is to plan out what you
are going to say ahead of time. So figure out what your feelings are, what your concerns are so that you
can verbalize it to this person and you want to do it in as clear and as a calm of a manner that you
possibly can.

So waiting until another blowout fight happens to do, this is not the best approach. I would plan what
you’re going to say ahead of time and then present it to them next. You need to set boundaries and stick
to them. So if you tell yourself, I am breaking up with this person and I do not want to be in contact with
them, you need to eliminate the lines of communication. So that means maybe blocking their phone
number, blocking them on social media, whatever you have to do so that you will not contact this
person and they will not contact you. Now, it’s very, very possible, especially if this is something that is
maybe coming out of the blue for them. It’s very possible that you will feel some resistance or pushback
from this person. So you need to have a plan in place for how to handle it.

What I don’t want you to do is let this person manipulate you if that, especially if that is something that
they’ve been doing, do not let them manipulate you into taking back your decision to break up with
them. And the best way to do this is simply to just cut off the contact. Do not give them access to you.
The next step, and this goes hand in hand with breaking off contact, includes physically separating
yourself from this person. So if you live together, then one of you needs to move out. The longer it takes
for you to physically separate yourself from this person, the more opportunities there are for them to
manipulate you into staying. Ideally, like I said, you will have a plan ahead of time for how you are going
to handle this. You are gonna know exactly what it is you want to say.

You are going to have a plan for how and when you’re going to physically leave or move out where
you’re going to go. That’s all going to be set up ahead of time so that you do not have to run into this
should you get pushback from this person. And the thing that you might hear from this person is, I
promise I will change. But I wanna ask you, how many times have you heard that before and how much
time are you willing to waste waiting for this person to change their behavior? When I promise you, and
I know you may not believe me right now, but I promise you that there is someone out there who you
can have a healthy, happy relationship with that you are not fighting with all the time. That does not
make you feel bad about yourself or make you feel like you have to walk on eggshells when you are
around them.

That is not what a relationship is supposed to be. So if you, you have been stuck in this situation for
what feels like forever and you keep waiting for this person to change, just really ask yourself, how
much time am I willing to waste waiting? Now, anytime you end a relationship, whether it was a good
relationship or it was a really bad relationship, either way, it is going to be difficult, right? So you need to
have support, look to friends and family who are going to encourage you and be there for you and
understand what you’re going through. In addition to that, I want you to really consider seeking
professional help such as therapy or counseling. There are trained professionals out there who are there
to help you get through difficult situations like this, and it will provide you with a safe space to really
take a deep dive into your feelings.

And if you feel like this could be a pattern for you where you seem to end up in these types of
relationships, it may help you identify the reasons why this keeps happening. And like I mentioned
before, a lot of the difficulties that we face in adulthood are somehow rooted in our childhood
experiences. So if you grew up in a household where your parents had a very dysfunctional, unhealthy,
or abusive relationship, you may as an adult subconsciously think that that is normal and that’s what a
relationship looks like. If you’ve never been in a healthy relationship, it could be because you just never
saw one and you don’t have anything to reference to. And that doesn’t mean that you are permanently
damaged or that you will never be able to be in a healthy loving relationship. It just means that you have
to do a little bit more work to figure out what that looks like for you and how you can figure out what is
healthy and what is unhealthy.

So if you’ve never sought out therapy before or you don’t really know what it involves or you feel like it
may mean something about you, like there’s something wrong with you if you have to go to therapy, I
wanna let you know that taking care of your mental and emotional wellbeing is just as important as
taking care of your physical health. I have gone to therapy at different times throughout my life and I
currently see a therapist, and it is one of the most helpful ways I have found to really just keep myself
grounded and to just have a listening ear so that I can verbalize my thoughts and have someone listen to
me without judgment, but also to give me encouragement. So if it’s something you’re considering trying,
I would highly, highly recommend it, especially in a situation such as this. Honestly, you have nothing to
lose and so much to gain.

This leads me into my next point, which is to focus on self-care and self-improvement. Now, if you’re
familiar with my message, maybe you follow me on social, social media or you have taken my course,
you will know that I am a huge, huge advocate for using personal growth as a means to move on from a
relationship. So often we become consumed with our partners wants and needs, and we can neglect our
own. Believe it or not, a breakup in my opinion, is one of the best times to start your personal growth
journey, and that is because your time is completely your own. It allows you to take a step back and look
at your life and ask yourself, am I going in the direction that I want to go? And if I’m not, why is that and
what can I do right now to push me in the right direction?

What can I do right now to move the needle forward? Ask yourself what your goals and your hopes and
dreams are. Some people may not even know these things because they never took the time to ask
themselves. So take the time right now to figure out and decide what it is that you truly want. When you
start this process and start making goals for yourself and figuring out what it is you want to achieve that
is going to help you have something to look forward to, and it’s going to make this time even easier,
which is why I truly, truly believe that this is the best way to move on from a breakup, move on from a
toxic relationship or any relationship that it was time for it to end. Now, the time is here for you to focus
on yourself. If you’re ready to take that next step, I want you to check out Heartbreak Hero.

It’s a course that I made to help you close the chapter on your relationship, figure out how to create
your ideal self, and then also how to find your ideal partner. You can find all the information about it on
my website. It’s the heartbreaknurse.com. I am so incredibly proud of this course, and I feel like it is
going to be such a helpful tool for you to not only heal from your breakup, but to really discover who
you truly are and what it is you truly want. And it is going to motivate you so much to really go after the
life of your dreams. So if that’s something that you really want, go check it out. The heartbreak
nurse.com. All the information is there for you. It’s gonna be so important for you to find tools that will
help you through this process because I want you to remember this is a process.

Getting over a toxic relationship is not going to happen overnight. Unfortunately, as much as we wish
that we could just try to erase it from our memory and never have to think it a think about it again, it is a
process. So understand that. But remember that you don’t have to be miserable during this time. You
can focus on yourself. You can do things that bring you joy and peace, and over time things will get
easier. But I will tell you this, when I ended the toxic relationship that I was in, I started to feel better
very, very quickly because it felt like I had been drowning and I finally was able to come up for air. Once
you feel that peace and that sense of calm, you will realize why doing this and ending this relationship
was so necessary. I need you to trust your gut on this and remember that you deserve to be in a healthy,
happy relationship.

And it may be hard because you do love this person and that’s not a fault of yours, right? It’s not your
fault for loving someone and caring about them and maybe loving so loving them so much that you want
them to change. But you have to recognize when something is beyond your control, right? And I’ve
talked about this before. We are in control of our own thoughts and feelings and behaviors. We are not
in control of other people’s. So you can love someone until the cows come home, but if they’re not
willing to recognize their own toxic behaviors or their own unhealthy behaviors, then there is nothing
that you are going to be able to do to change that. There is an amazing book that I read when I was
going through a breakup, and it’s called Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood.

And what she says in it is, if being in love means being in pain, then you are loving too much. Many of us
think that if we just love someone enough that they can change. And this book helped me realize that
that is not the way that it works. It’s really, really a great read. So I will link to it in the show notes for
you. I highly recommend it, especially if you are going through a breakup with someone that maybe has
addiction issues or something like that. It was super, super helpful for me. I know that breakups are
difficult regardless of the circumstance, so I want you to know that I am here for you. I’m here to answer
your questions. If you have a question that you would like answered on the show anonymously, of
course, you can send an email to hello@theheartbreaknurse.com and I will answer it for you to the best
of my ability. So if you’ve got something on your mind, just shoot me an email. Again, it’s
hello@theheartbreaknurse.com.

So just to recap, if you are ready to end your toxic relationship, if you
are ready to start healing and start living your new life, I want you to do the following things. You are
going to communicate your feelings and concerns to this person in a calm and clear manner. I want you
to set boundaries and stick to them. I also want you to seek support both from friends and family and
then also seriously consider seeking professional help for this situation. If necessary, you need to take
the steps to physically separate yourself from this person as well. So if you are living together, one of
you has to move out. Now, ideally, this is something that you will have planned for ahead of time, but if
not, and you are in a situation where you are living with this person, but you don’t want to be near them
because you are trying to break up with them because your relationship is toxic, then you need to find a
safe place that you can go to get away from them.

Especially if you are in a situation that is verbally and or physically abusive. It’s going to be imperative
that you find somewhere safe to go, whether that be with a friend or a family member, or even to a
local shelter. If you are in a domestic violence situation, there is a number that you can call, and that is
the de, the National Domestic Violence Hotline. It is 800-799-7233. That is 800-799-7233. Or you
can text the word START to 88788. That’s START to 88788 and that will help connect you with
someone who can get you the resources that you need and get them quickly. It’s important that you are
prepared to handle possible resistance or pushback from this person. So you need to make sure that if
you’re going to set a boundary of no contact, that you stick to to it, and you cut off access that this
person has to you.

Remember that this process takes time, and it can also take the help of other people. So realize that you
do not have to do this alone. If you have a feeling in your gut that this relationship is not healthy, it’s not
safe, it’s toxic, what have you, I need you to trust that feeling and remember that you deserve to be in a
healthy, happy relationship and it is possible for you, but in order to get there, you need to end the
relationship that you are currently in. As much as you may feel like you cannot do this, I promise you,
you can. And in some instances, you absolutely have to. A bright, happy, and healthy future is 100%
available to you, but I need you to take action right now. As always, I wanna thank you for being a
listener and for letting me help you and guide you through this process. And with that I will see you next week.

Are you ready and determined to make this next season of your
life the best season of your life? I believe that any person who is willing to invest in their personal
growth has the ability to accomplish anything, and I wanna give you the tools to make that happen.
That’s why I created Heartbreak Hero. It’s my premier program designed to help high value people just
like you heal from their breakup, discover who they truly are and find their ideal partner. Visit the
heartbreaknurse.com to sign up now and get ready to make your comeback.

The Heartbreak Nurse is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a way for websites to earn advertising revenues by advertising and linking to Amazon.com