Who Are You?: Establishing Identity Post-Breakup (or Anytime)

Welcome back to Comeback class. Thanks so much for joining me this week. If you haven’t done so
already, I wanna make sure that you subscribe. So go ahead and hit that button so that you never miss a
new episode when it comes out. New episodes are released every Tuesday. I also wanna remind you
that if you are interested in private one-on-one coaching with me, then you can go to tools dot the
heartbreak nurse.com/coaching and sign up. I’m gonna be starting with private coaching very soon, and
I wanna make sure that I get you on my schedule if that is something that you want. So make sure you
go to tools dot the heartbreak nurse.com/coaching to sign up. Last week we talked about all the
different reasons why someone may have a hard time moving on from a breakup, but I wanna make
sure that I’m also teaching you ways to deal with those individual items.

And this one in particular that we’re gonna talk about to is how to establish or reestablish your identity.
And your identity basically is the characteristics that describe you or define you. And the thing is,
sometimes we’re, when we’re in a relationship for a long period of time, particularly sometimes we can
start to identify as a we as a unit rather than as two independent people who also happen to be a
couple, right? So what I want you to do is if you feel like you have lost a little bit of your identity, or you
feel like maybe you are not the same person that you used to be prior to your relationship, I want you to
be able to reconnect with that version of yourself or to become a completely new version of yourself if
you want to. Because the thing is, you get to decide what your identity is.

I think it can be, we can think that our identity is just something that happens to us, but the truth is you
can deliberately choose the characteristics that define you. You can deliberately choose the kind of
person that you are, the kind of interest that you have, the kind of activ activities that you participate in.
It is entirely up to you. So if you are on this journey, if you are trying to figure out who am I? Exactly,
then this episode is gonna be for you. If you know someone that you feel may benefit from this
information, maybe you have a friend that sort of, they feel like they’ve lost their identity because they
are just getting out of a relationship and they need to reconnect with their former self, or they want to
grow into a new version of themselves, then send this episode to them.

But truthfully, you can do these exercises and you can do this work at any point in your life. It doesn’t
just have to be when you’re going through a breakup, you can do it while you’re in a relationship or
while you’re in a marriage, or maybe everything is really going great in your life, but you’re just, you feel
like you wanna get to know yourself better and to to grow even deeper. So you can really do this at any
time, but I feel like when people are at this particular se, when, when they’re in this particular season of
life, when they’re going through a breakup, then doing this work is especially important. So that’s why I
wanted to talk about it today. So when you’re trying to establish your identity, the first thing you need
to do is take time for self-reflection. And that means thinking about who you are, what you want out of
life, and what are the things that make you happy.

And the easiest way to do this is to journal it and to write these things down. I have found that I’m so
much more likely to do things or to really think about things the way that they need to be reflected on
when I write them down. So I highly encourage you to get some kind of journal and just spend some
time thinking about the person that you want to be. What are you interested in? What are you
passionate about? What really lights you up? And that is gonna be a great starting point for you as you
go on this journey of establishing or reestablishing your identity. This may lead you to the second step,
which is to rediscover your passions to think about the hobbies that you used to have interests, activities
that you used to enjoy maybe before you were in your relationship.

Maybe something that you stopped doing while you were in your relationship. Because the thing is,
when we get into a relationship, sometimes we are so excited about spending time with this person,
which we should be, but then we sometimes adopt the things that they like and maybe don’t experience
or participate in the activities that we used to enjoy when we were by ourselves. And sometimes we can
just stop doing those things that we enjoy either because of time or because sometimes the other
person doesn’t enjoy them. And I think there’s also an opportunity here when you are able to rediscover
your passions and figure out the things that you love to do, and you start doing them again, the next
time that you get in a relationship, I want you to make sure that you’re still prioritizing your passions and
your personal interests. Of course, you’re going to have things in common with this new person that
you’re dating and you’re gonna wanna do things together.

But I think there’s something really important, really special about having things that are just for you. So
whether you just go to a certain activity or an event once a week, once a month, whatever it may be, if
you have something that you really love and maybe the person that you’re with isn’t as interested in it
as you are, or they have something that they really love to do, like let’s say you really love to go see
musical theater shows and your partner really loves to play golf and you don’t really love to play golf and
he doesn’t really love to go to the theater, then maybe you can, that that is your, your side thing, your
independent activity that you do with friends who also enjoy doing that. And then he can go play golf
with his friends who enjoy doing that. This is just an example, but you see what I’m saying.

It’s, it’s important to have your individual interests as well as your shared common interests. And this is
not to say that you shouldn’t include your significant other. If they wanna try something new, like maybe
your partner wants to try going to see a musical to see if they like it, then of course, you know, do that.
But the, the point that I’m trying to make is that I don’t want you to give up these things that you really
love just because you’re with somebody else who maybe doesn’t love them as much as you do. When
you’re doing this self-reflection and rediscovering your passions, you also wanna surround yourself with
supportive people, people that make you feel like your true self, people that are going to lift you higher.
And there’s a saying that we are the average of the people, the five people that we spend the most time
with.

So make sure that the people that you are allowing into your inner circle, the people that you are
spending the majority of your time with, are people that respect you and you respect them and you
aspire to be like them because they have qualities that you find admirable in terms of networking and
forming relationships. When it relates to personal growth, this is super important and we’ve talked
about this in other episodes when I’ve talked about necessary endings. Sometimes you have to weeded
people out of your life who are not necessarily helping you move in the direction that you want to go. So
you wanna make sure that the people that you’re surrounding yourself with, you are aligned with them
spiritually. You are on the same wavelength you think in the same way. You know, if you’re someone
who’s really trying to adopt a positive mindset and you want that to be a part of your identity, then
obviously you’re not going to wanna spend a ton of time with people who are constantly thinking
negative thoughts and talking negatively.

So it’s just something to be mindful of. When you are forming your identity, make sure that the
relationships that you have, that those personalities and those identities are, are aligned with the
person that you wanna be. The next to do is something I talk about all the time. And that is setting goals
for yourself. You wanna establish short-term goals and long-term goals that align with your values and
your aspirations, and these are the things that you have done your reflections on that you have decided,
this is the kind of person that I want to be, or this is the kind of person that I am and this is how I am
going to get there, or how I’m going to continue living in this identity. If there is a part of you, a part of
your personality or your identity that you really miss and you want to get back to that place, then come
up with a goal for how you can get there or what it would mean if you got there.

And then figure out the steps that you need to get there. And then once you do, you’re going to be
amazed at, at all the growth that you’ve had, and you’ll be really thankful that you took the time to
intentionally set these goals and, and plan this out for yourself. Another thing I also encourage you to do
all the time is to practice self-care. And I am doing this as well. I know sometimes with life and how busy
everything gets and all the tasks and all the to-dos and all the priorities, it can be really hard to take time
to take care of yourself. And that’s physically, emotionally, and mentally. And this includes eating
healthy, getting enough sleep, exercising, seeking professional help if that’s something that you need.
And I have gotten to the point now where I schedule time for these things on my calendar, and I do that
because I look at my calendar every day and I have my to-dos on there.

And it’s, it’s just, it’s a priority. Now, self-care is a priority and you, you have to make it that way because
you just can’t pour from an empty cup. You have to fill up yourself so that you can fill up others and you
need to be able to sustain so that you can get all these to dos done and get all these tasks done and, and
do all the things you have to take care of yourself because eventually you’re going to burn out and
you’re going to get fried. And it’s, that’s a stinky place to be in. And you may be there already. I know, I
think for a while I was in that place myself just totally burnt out, but I realized that I wasn’t necessarily
taking care of myself in the ways that I needed to. So I have now made that a major priority in my life.

And the interesting thing is when I sort of bring this up to people, they totally get it. You know, when I
say that I can’t do something because I have to do something for me to take care of myself, generally
people are understanding and then they think I should really do that for myself as well. So it’s super
important to to practice self-care, whatever that means for you, even if it’s something small. Like I said,
scheduling, it really, really helps. Like I mentioned before, if you are trying to establish a new identity for
yourself, the coolest part is that you get to choose. You get to choose, choose exactly the kind of person
that you wanna be. You get to choose your interests and what you wanna do with your life. So part of
that is going to be trying new things. You need to step out of your comfort zone, try new experiences.

You can take classes or try new hobbies, or you can travel to different places. I have a like a P d F
document, a Google doc where I have all of these goals for myself, which include all of these things that
I wanna try and all of these places that I wanna visit because I wanna have them in a centralized location
so that I can refer back to it whenever I need to and I can plan and I can think to myself, okay, this is
somewhere that I wanna visit and this is something that I wanna learn how to do and this is something
that I wanna try, you know, in terms of food, I wanna eat this for the first time. So it’s really fun because
you can make it whatever you want to be. You can decide whatever it is that you wanna try, but the
important thing is that you are trying new things, especially if you wanna grow and you want to take on
a new identity.

If you want to become the person that you were meant to be, that you know you were meant to be.
Another super important part of establishing your identity is to define your values. You need to know
what is truly important to you, and then you need to make decisions that are aligned with your values.
And if it’s something that you’ve never thought about before, maybe you just assumed like, of course I
have values, like, you know, any good person does, but you should really think about what they are.
What, what are they? ’cause You, you may think you know, but you don’t actually know, you know, I
didn’t realize that one of my main values was freedom. And that’s like the word that comes to my mind
almost every single day as I go throughout my day. And I value my freedom so much that every decision
that I make, I ask myself, is this allowing me more freedom or less freedom?

And you can choose a value or, or a word, whatever it is to you and think the same thing. So it’s life gets
a lot easier. It’s a lot easier to make decisions when you have values and you are purposely choosing
things that align with those values. The next part of establishing your identity is to embrace your
individuality. Make sure you are celebrating your unique qualities, and don’t be afraid to express your
true self. We live in a world now where there are so many different kinds of people with so many
interests and so many different looks and aesthetics, and it’s really an amazing time because you can
experiment with different things. You can dress and, and look one way, one day and then do something
totally different the next. And that’s the beauty of life, is that we have all of these choices and we have
this freedom.

So if there is something that you always wanted to try or you always, I don’t know, you wanted to dye
your hair a certain color, but you never did ’cause you were just kind of nervous about it and nervous
about what people would think, I would encourage you just to go ahead and, and do it. You know, life is
short. I say this all the time, but it’s just the truth and you just, you just never know what, what could
happen. So if you feel in your heart that you want to do something, and obviously if it’s, you know,
something ethical and and good and it’s not gonna harm anyone, then I would say just go for it. Just be
the person that you are. Celebrate who you are. True real friends are going to celebrate you as well for
exactly the person that you are.

There’s no reason to live in fear. I don’t think that’s the way that it was meant to be. I think that we
should be able to be our true selves and live with courage and confidence and feel accepted. So I really
encourage you just to embrace your individuality and celebrate your unique self. Another really
important part of growth during that post breakup period and establishing your identity includes taking
responsibility for your actions. So the truth of the matter is that we are not perfect people. No one is
perfect. We all make mistakes and there are probably are parts of you or certain behaviors or certain
things that you’ve done in the past that maybe you regret or you wish that you had acted differently or
there’s a mistake that you have learned from. The point is just to acknowledge those mistakes and to
accept responsibility for them and use them as opportunities for growth and for self-improvement.

We are all works in progress and that is okay, but you have to learn from the past so that you can do
better in the future. One of the most crucial parts in establishing your new self, establishing a new
identity is to focus on the present and the future. And that includes letting go of the past. It is over, it is
spilt milk, it has happened, there’s no going back. So you need to focus on what is happening right now.
The person that you are right now, you are no longer the person that was in that relationship. You are
the person that you are right now in this moment and you can plan for the future. Focus on building a
positive and fulfilling life for yourself. That is what’s important. And I wanna encourage you, if you are
feeling stuck, if you are trying to establish this identity for yourself and you don’t really know what to do
next, maybe you still haven’t even been able to close the chapter in regard to your previous relationship
and you don’t know how to let go and you don’t know how to move on, you don’t know who you are,
you don’t know what you want, you are feeling super, super lost.

And I just want you to know that that is normal. It’s absolutely normal to have all these feelings and all
this confusion. I totally understand I was there at one point in my life. I promise you there is. You can
have clarity, you can figure these things out. Sometimes it, it takes a little bit of time and a little bit of
work, but it can happen. If you want help getting there, please, I encourage you to sign up for a call with
me. It’s totally free. 20 minute call. You can email me hello@theheartbreaknurse.com and I can send
you the link to my calendar and we can just chat and talk about what’s going on in your current situation
and what I think might be the next best step for you. So if you want my help, you can email me
hello@theheartbreaknurse.com. I’ll send you the link to my calendar so we can have a one-on-one, get
to know each other.

If you already know that you want coaching and you wanna be able to work with me on a weekly basis,
then you can go to tools dot the Heartbreak nurse slash coaching and sign up for that there. I’m so
honored and grateful that you have taken this time out of your busy week to listen to this podcast. I
sincerely hope that the information that I share with you is helpful. That is the whole reason why I am
making this podcast and why I make these episodes every week is for you. I want you to have an
amazing life and I want you to have a fulfilling life, and I want you to be happy because that’s what you
deserve and it’s 100% possible for you. So again, thank you so much for being here and I will see you
right here next week.