Welcome back to Comeback class. Thanks for joining me again this week. I’m so excited that you’re here
and I wanna make sure that you never miss an episode when it comes out. So make sure you hit that
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me. I wanna jump right into today’s topic, which is a question that I get asked quite a bit, and that is,
why can’t I move on? And the truth is, there are potentially lots of different reasons why you can’t move
on. And if you’re in that place where you feel like you can’t move on, then I can almost guarantee that
it’s because of one or more of these things.
So we’re gonna talk about all of them right now. Just to clarify, this list is specifically why you can’t move
on from a breakup or from a previous relationship. So let’s get started. Number one, the number one
reason why you may not be able to move on. And that’s because you are emotionally attached to this
person, which seems pretty obvious. If you are in a relationship with someone, whether it be for a short
period of time or a long period of time, you are likely attached to them in some way. Obviously, the
longer we spend with someone, the longer we are in a relationship with them, the deeper the emotional
attachment is. But when you have this attachment, it can make it really difficult to let go because you
are so used to this person being there for you and, and you being there for them.
So when you have that really special connection with someone or that emotional attachment, it can feel
like maybe you won’t be able to find that or have that with someone else, which we know for the most
part is probably not true, but it can, it can feel like that when we’ve spent a lot of time with somebody,
we’ve gotten to know them very intimately. It can feel like there’s no one else that we can have that
type of connection with. The hard part with breaking up is that you have to emotionally detach from
that person, and it doesn’t mean that you don’t care about them or care about their wellbeing. You, you
can, and that’s certainly okay, but you cannot have that deep level of emotional attachment that you
had before, if that makes sense. The second reason might be that you feel a loss of your identity.
And this is really common with people that have been together for a really long time because you may
have defined your identity based on your relationship. And sometimes when we break up with people
after being with them for a really long time, we can feel really lost and unsure of who we are without
them, because everything that we do, all the decisions that we make, all the moves that we make in life
are not necessarily re revolving around them, but they are a part of that vision, they’re a part of
everything that we do pretty much. So it’s not uncommon for people to end a long-term relationship
and suddenly have this identity crisis and, and not know who they truly are anymore. So this is why I talk
about personal development and personal growth so much is because it’s such an integral part of
healing from our breakup, and that is focusing on ourself and who we are and what we want.
Because sometimes once you’ve been in a relationship for a really long time, you can start to lose sight
of those things. Another huge reason that people aren’t able to move on is because they have a fear of
being alone, a massive fear of being alone or for starting over. You know, I actually, I know someone
that has been married for quite a few years and they are in their fifties, and the marriage has been very
unhappy for a long time, or just kind of stagnant, I guess. And one of them told me that the reason they
don’t want to move on is because they feel like they’re old and they don’t wanna start over again. And I
just think how, how sad is, is that, that you would rather stay in a relationship where, where you’re very
unhappy because it’s kind of convenient and comfortable sort of, and you, you, you just don’t wanna
start over again.
You don’t wanna have to start dating again and find somebody else. It just seems like way too much and
it seems much harder than the alternative, which is staying somewhere where you’re really not happy.
Now, obviously, I’m not suggesting that if you’re unhappy in your marriage that you just go ahead and
get divorced. There are alternatives to that, right? You can work on your marriage and I would say that
somebody in that situation, if they want to be married to that person and they wanna have a happy
marriage to that person, that they should work on it. But if you’re not going to do anything, if you’re not
going to work on it and you are not going to end it, then that’s kind of, that’s the sad part to me. And the
way that I think about things and the way that I encourage my students to think about things is not to
You know, life is very short and you only get one, and it should be the best life that you can possibly
have. So when you settle for things simply because you don’t want to be alone, you’re really doing
yourself a disservice. And sometimes it’s necessary to deal with a painful season for a relatively short
amount of time. When you look at the grand scheme of things, it’s, you’re much better off dealing with
that pain for that short period of time than spending your whole entire life not very happy. And make no
mistake here, the partner that you choose to spend your life with will arguably be one of the most
important decisions that you ever make. So it’s not something to take lightly, it’s something to really be
considerate about and really intentional about. Another reason why people have a hard time moving on
from relationships is unresolved feelings.
If there are unresolved issues from your relationship, like conflicts that you never solved or unexpressed
emotions, it can really hinder your ability to let go of the situation. And that’s why I encourage my
students to write a letter to their ex or to their former partner. Now, I wanna be very clear, you are not
sending this letter to them. What you’re doing is you’re getting all of your feelings and your emotions
out on paper so that you can have that relief. And then what you choose to do with it afterwards is up to
you. You can keep it, you can burn it it doesn’t matter, but it’s just a kind of a therapeutic exercise, I
think, where you can release a lot of those emotions and all, all the things that you maybe wanted to
say. But would it really be beneficial to call this person up and tell them to their face or send them a
No, probably not, because you’re, if you’re doing that, it’s because you’re expecting a reaction. And I
don’t want you to do something like that because you’re looking for a reaction. I want you to do it for
you so that you can find some peace internally. Reason number five is having low self-esteem. And when
someone is having low self-esteem, it can be a huge struggle to move on from a breakup, especially if
that’s something that they just deal with in general. Like if it’s separate from the breakup, like if they just
generally have low self-esteem, it’s gonna be exceptionally hard for them to process this major life event
because they may feel that they’re not worthy of love or they fear that they’re not going to be able to
find somebody else. And that holds people back a lot when it comes to being able to move on.
Self-Esteem is not something that you can just turn on and then it, it flips back off when something bad happens. It’s like a muscle that you have to build. You have to get to a place where you have high self-esteem all the time. And it’s not like, you know, running around and and talking about how wonderful you are to anyone that will listen. That’s, it’s more just having this internal feeling of, I am worthy, I deserve to be happy and I deserve to have what I want in life. But that is something that you have to intentionally work on if it doesn’t come easily for you. You have to learn how to build your selfesteem and how to love yourself really. Reason number six that people find it hard to move on is because of nostalgia or romanticizing the past. And I know that I’ve certainly done this, and I’m sure a lot of other people do it too, but sometimes when you break up with someone, all you can think about is the good times and how wonderful your relationship was.
And you see the past with these rose colored glasses, so to speak. And sometimes you really have to
look at the situation objectively. And even though there were probably great things about your
relationship, if it was meant to work out and if everything was great, then you probably wouldn’t have
broken up. So there you have to consider all the factors, but it is, I think, natural to, especially when you
are the one getting broken up with, all you can think about is how wonderful it was before this
happened. So it’s something that it is easy to experience, but like I said, you have to just consider all of
the facts and everything that was that was going on. And you also have to accept sometimes when
things are over. And as much as we wanna try to change other people’s minds or to make someone see
that we are worthy of their love, it’s, it’s often, it, it’s often not, not worth it.
It’s, it’s much more worth it and much more worth your time to focus on yourself and realize that the
person who is meant to be with you, that is meant to have you in their life, they will recognize your
worth and, and they will act accordingly. Number seven kind of goes along with loss of identity and fear
of being alone. And that is codependency. So when you’re in a codependent relationship with someone,
you are kind of overly reliant on the other person and you just feed off of each other and you’re not
totally sure how to function without that other person. And it’s kind of a balancing act, but it can get to
the point where you don’t even realize this is going on. I, I would, I would dare to say that most people
who are in codependent relationships probably don’t even realize that they’re in a codependent
relationship, but it’s something that we see a lot.
So that can make it exceptionally hard to move on when you literally feel like this person is your other
half and you’re not even sure how to function without them. Another factor that can make it really
difficult to move on is when you have changes in your social circle. Sometimes when you are in a
relationship with someone, you have mutual friends, you have other couple friends, and when you
break up, it can get kind of awkward because it’s like who stays friends with who, that kind of thing. And
if you’re the person that maybe didn’t end up with all the friends after the breakup, all the mutual
friends, then you can feel super isolated and that can make it really difficult to move on. But again, it’s
all about developing yourself and growing yourself and figuring out who you are and then inviting likeminded people into your life that you can, that you can have genuine friendships with.
The next couple reasons kind of go into the psychological side of things, and one of them is trauma. So if
your breakup was really traumatic, maybe it involved infidelity or betrayal or some type of abuse, it can
have a lasting impact on someone’s ability to move on and to be able to trust. Again. Also, your
attachment style. Let’s say you’re an anxious or fearful person, you have an anxious or fearful
attachment that can affect how you process a breakup and make it even harder because it’s just your
part of your personality to be anxious about things. So it really heightens your anxiety and it can really
take a toll on your psychological state. So that’s why, as I’ve said before, and I’ll always say that therapy
is one of the most valuable tools that we have available to us when we’re going through this time.
So if you have the means, I, I always recommend going to therapy, speaking with a therapist. It’s, it’s
super helpful and it’s helped me and I know that it’s helped a lot of other people that I know. So it’s
definitely worth considering. Number 11 is a lack of closure. And this is something that I hear about all
the time. We, and it’s, it makes complete sense. We, especially if a breakup occurred that we were not
expecting, maybe we were the dump e we may feel that we didn’t get closure. We have unanswered
questions about the relationship or about the breakup, and we can spend so much time just ruminating
over why it happened or what’s going on in the other person’s head and just wanting that closure. But
the mistake that I think a lot of people make is that they are seeking closure from the other person
when the reality is you are the only person who can give yourself closure.
You have to say to yourself, I accept what’s happened. It may not have been what I expected or what I
wanted, but I am going to accept it for what it is for the facts that I know. And I, I can’t just spiral and
start thinking about all the things that could be what they’re thinking or what their plans were or
anything like that. You have to just tell yourself that this is what it is and it’s going to be okay, because
regardless of what this other person says, it’s probably still not going to give you closure. Nothing if you
are that upset, if you are that distraught over your breakup, if someone broke up with you, whatever
reasons that they give you are not going to make sense to you or you’re, you’re not going to wanna
accept them. So it’s not even worth trying to seek closure from someone else because they’re not going
to be able to give it to you.
Another kind of practical reason why people have a hard time moving on is because of external
circumstances. So you may be financially dependent on this person or you may have shared assets or
you may have children together, and that can just make it even more challenging to move on after a
breakup. I know a lot of people struggle with certain breakup advice, like, you know, cutting contact and
things like that because they have children. So they have to stay in communication with this person. And
what I usually say is, you know, if, if you’re in a situation where that’s the case, then you just need to
make sure that whatever communication that you are having is about your kids and what’s best for your
kids. And I’m sure it’s very easy in these situations to have conversations derail where you start getting
into the relationship and is past issues.
But if you just try to remember that, you know, the main reason that you are having to communicate
with this person is for your kids, then I think that will help. But you also have to be clear about your
boundaries in these situations too. Sometimes you have to just let the other person know, Hey, listen
let’s just keep this about the kids. The next reason that someone may have a hard time moving on is
because of personal beliefs or cultural norms like belief in the sanctity of marriage or maybe some
cultural pressure to maintain the relationship. And this is something that I don’t think is talked about
enough, but a lot of people have this tremendous guilt about ending their marriage or ending their
relationship, especially if they have kids. There’s an enormous amount of guilt there. But I think the
important thing to remember is that we are all human beings.
We all have faults, we all make mistakes. And to also remember that we can control other people’s
behaviors or actions or thoughts, we can only control our own. So sometimes even if we put our best
foot forward, we make 110% effort. If that other person is not willing to do the same, or if they are
making hurtful choices and doing things to damage the relationship or the marriage, then you don’t
have to stay for that. I mean, obviously it’s, it’s a very personal choice and you know, you, you may
wanna talk to someone that is like a spiritual leader to you. But I personally believe that we were not
put on this earth to endure terrible relationships where we’re being mistreated or abused just because
we agreed to be with this person forever. Because the reality is, the sad reality is that sometimes people
change and they’re not the person that we knew way back when.
So super personal decision, but I totally understand why people struggle to move on because of of this
reason. Another reason is a fear of judgment or a social stigma. They’re afraid of what family might say,
their friends or just society as a whole. They, they may be afraid of of what people think about them
because they’re divorced or because they’re single, they’re at a certain age and they’re alone. That can
make it really hard for someone to move on. So those societal pressures and the fear of being judged
can, can really, really be hard for somebody to deal with. So it’s important that you surround yourself
with people that are supportive and that know who you are and, and understand that you have to do
what’s best for you. The final reason is not having that support, it’s having a lack of support. So if you
don’t have a network of people that you can really lean on during a painful time like this, it can make it
even more challenging.
So if you don’t have that support system of family and friends, or maybe you do and you just feel like
they’ve heard enough, I’ve had people tell me that too, that they just, their friends and family are kind of
tired of, of hearing about their situation over and over again. And that can be really hard when you still
have a lot of unresolved feelings and you just don’t feel like you have anyone that you can talk to about
it. So I want you to know that I have decided to start one-on-one private coaching and I’m really excited
about this because this is something that was asked of me and it’s something that I know a lot of you
would like to have. So I’m really excited to offer it to you. It’s gonna be starting very soon. If that is
something that you’re interested in but you’re not really sure or maybe you wanna talk to me first
before you go ahead and jump in, then I wanna invite you to do that.
I am going to put a link to my calendar in the show notes or I can also, you can send me an email
firstname.lastname@example.org and I can send you a link that way and we can get on a 20 minute call
and just kind of talk about your situation and what’s going on. And I will try to help you figure out where
it is that you’re getting stuck and what I think the next best step might be for you. And this is like a no
pressure, super laid back type of thing and it’s free of charge, there’s no cost. So it’s a just a 20 minute
little get to know you call with me. And like I said, I’ll put the link with my calendar in the show notes or
you can just email me and I will get that over to you. I want you to know that I understand how hard it is
to move on.
It’s something that I have struggled with myself a few times in, in different relationship and breakup
situations, so I understand where you’re at and I also know what it’s like on the other side when things
are a lot better and I wanna help you get there as quickly as I possibly can. So if you are interested in
having a chat with me, just book a call with me using my calendar or you can go ahead and shoot me
that email email@example.com. That is it for this week’s episode. Thanks again so much for
being here and I will see you next week.
ICU nurse by day,
breakup coach by night.
After dealing with a devastating heartbreak that turned my world upside down, I made a conscious decision to pursue the life of my dreams and never settle.
Now, I teach other women how to do the same.
MORE ABOUT ME
FUN FACT: MY FAVORITE PIZZA IS HAWAIIAN (AND I'LL NEVER CHANGE MY MIND ABOUT IT!)
"Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.”
- Dalai Lama
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