Hey there. Welcome back to Comeback Class. So excited for this week’s episode. If you haven’t already, I
want you to go ahead and subscribe to the podcast to make sure that you never miss an episode when it
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a review. I would be so, so appreciative. It helps other people who may benefit from the content be able
to find it. This week we’re gonna be talking about a term that you have probably heard many, many
times, and that is the term red flags or red flag. So a red flag generally means something that may give
you pause when you are dating someone that may make you think, Hmm, this is kind of strange. Or it
may indicate that this relationship might not work out. Now there are varying degrees of red flags,
which I mean as if dating’s not complicated enough.
This makes it a little more complicated, but I promise you it’s worth understanding. So there are some
red flags that are just kind of, eh, I don’t really like this. I’m not really into that. I don’t know how I feel
about it. And then there are deal breakers. There are certain things that if you notice, you pick up when
you’re dating, someone likely indicate that you should not keep dating them. Now, I’d like to think that I
have gotten pretty good at spotting red flags and especially deal breakers, but I wasn’t always that way.
And actually, even if I did see them, I would ignore them sometimes. You know, as as that, as that is to
admit that I think sometimes we do that because we wanna see the best in people or maybe we want it
to work out so badly that we just kind of sweep under the rug these things that are bothering us or
these parts of their personality that are kind of concerning.
So what I wanna do is just identify some really important red flags and teach you ways that you can look
out for them so that you’re not ending up in these same types of relationships. If you find that you keep
ending up in relationships where you see, you see the same patterns of behavior and you wanna date
differently, then this is gonna be really helpful for you. Now the reality is that a lot of us have some type
of red flag. We may not, but most of us probably do. We have some facet of our personality that may be
concerning to someone else. But the important thing is, is that you have self-awareness to understand
that maybe you’re not so great in certain areas. And also a willingness to be more intentional with your
behavior. Some of these things can definitely be worked on and can improve over time, and it goes the
same way for the other person.
Some of these things, if they’re open and willing to working on them, then that’s great and then some of
them are just probably never gonna change and you definitely should con reconsider continuing to date
them. But I will be clear about which ones those are. So the first one that I think is pretty common is just
a general lack of inconsistency with their behavior, with their communication. If this person is making
plans with you and often canceling without any reason or without a good reason, that’s definitely a red
flag. Now this one, it’s something that you can certainly bring up and if this person says, I listen, I’m so
sorry, I know that I’ve been that I’ve canceled on you a few times, I really wanna make it up to you. And
then they follow through with that, then that’s a good indication that they do have some self-awareness
and that’s something that they could potentially get better at.
You will just have to give it a little bit more time. But if this is just an ongoing persistent thing where
they’re always canceling on you and you’re just at the point where you’re expecting them to cancel on
you, then I would say it’s just time to move on and and maybe date someone else. Now, if you’re at a
stage where you are not even meeting up with each other in person and all of your communication is via
phone and text and they’re very inconsistent with that communication, sometimes you hear from them,
sometimes you don’t. Sometimes you get a reply, sometimes you don’t. Sometimes they respond right
away. Sometimes it takes them three days. If they’re just very inconsistent with their communication
and you haven’t even met each other in person yet, then I would just say, forget about it. This person is
kind of just wasting your time.
It’s just a clear indication that they’re not taking the situation seriously. So this could be just a red flag or
it could really be a deal breaker depending on your situation, but ultimately it is up to you to decide how
long you want to let a situation like this play out. If being in a relationship with someone who is reliable
is on your list of priorities, then this may be something that right away, if they’re exhibiting this
behavior, it’s a deal breaker. The next red flag that I would say is relatively easy to spot early on is if
someone is consistently negative or critical, they complain about everything from their job, their family,
their friends, the weather, whatever, they’re just generally pessimistic and negative, you’re likely going
to pick up on this right away because you’re not going to feel good when you hang out with them.
And of course, we all have bad days and you should be able to talk to the person that you’re dating
about your bad day. But if every day for them is just awful and all they wanna talk about is how terrible
everything is, and that’s likely, unfortunately just a part of their personality and a part of how they view
the world. So this is something you’re probably not gonna wanna stick around and hang out with for for
too long because the thing is, regardless of how good looking someone is, if they have a negative
personality, it’s, it can be very draining and it, it really like takes away that any sort of attraction that you
might feel. The next thing to look out for would be evasiveness or someone who is always avoiding
certain topics in conversation or you just feel like you really can’t get to know them because they’re
hardly sharing anything with you.
Like you don’t know anything about their living situation or their family or their friends or their job if
there or, or if there’s just one particular topic that they don’t want to touch on. That is kind of strange,
right? And while some people do like to keep part of their lives private until they really get to know
someone and feel like they can trust them, you know, generally when you are dating someone, you
share about different aspects of your life. So it may, you may feel like they’re hiding something from
you. So you may need to use some of your intuition here and see if there’s something else that’s going
on behind the scenes that this person just doesn’t want you to know. Now, what can, what this can lead
into unfortunately, is this person may be lying to you. Now, I have heard stories about like women that
go out with guys and they can’t follow them on social media or can’t befriend them on social media.
They can’t talk to them at certain hours of the day. They don’t really know anything about their living
situation. And come to find out, you know, this guy is married and has a bunch of kids. As much as I hate
to say it, there are people like this out there. So you do just have to be aware of that. But like I said, you
have to use your own intuition here. And if you’re feeling like something is not right, something is
sketchy, then you need to address the situation immediately and decide how you’re going to move
forward. So I would say evasiveness and avoidance of certain topics is definitely a red flag. Definitely
something that you should be concerned about. But as soon as you find out that someone that you’re
dating is lying to you, y you really should just cut them loose because you’re really never gonna be able
to establish complete trust with this person if they’re just lying to you from the get go.
The next red flag is just rude or disrespectful behavior, whether it’s to you or whether it’s to complete strangers. This is one of those things that’s probably going to be pretty obvious to you, and it’s probably going to be a huge turnoff if someone is rude. But sometimes people can put on a really good face when they are on a date with someone, a first date, or whether or it’s someone new that they’re just starting to date. So just be very aware of not only the way that they speak to you, but the way that they speak to people that they don’t know or people that they’re not trying to impress. I hope, and I would assume that you want to date someone who is kind. So if you notice that the person that you are going out with is just plain rude , then I would say that is a deal breaker because that is again, a part of their personality.
They’re not just going to be able to turn that off. Another huge red flag in my book is a lack of empathy.
If they’re dismissive or of your opinions or your feelings or they feel that their opinions are the correct
ones and they’re not interested in hearing anything else, that’s just to me, super unattractive. And it’s
likely not something that’s going to improve over time. You’re not going to be able to turn someone into
an empathetic person. They either are or they’re not. You can have very strong opinions on a lot of
different topics, but you also need to be able to recognize that your opinion is not the only one. And just
because you feel a certain way about a situation does not mean that everyone does. Not everyone has
the same life experience as you. Another red flag in my opinion, is a need for constant contact.
Now to some people, this may appear as just a form of showing interest. And like I said, it’s not always
easy for us to recognize a red flags. And for anyone that’s been in a relationship with someone who
would, would be considered a narcissist, you, you don’t see these things right away or you don’t really
understand them until you are in these types of relationships. But there’s all different aspects of, you
know, dealing with narcissistic partners. And we’re not gonna get into that right now, but I will tell you
that one of the things that these types of people will do is what’s called love bombing. So you can get
very confused in the way you perceive what kind of behavior is appropriate, what may seem like this
person just being really, really interested in you and and wanting to talk to you 24 7 can actually be a
way of them controlling you and needing to know where you are 24 7.
When you are in the early stages of dating someone and they are constantly wanting to be in contact
with you, it should definitely be a red flag. You have to determine how much communication that you’re
comfortable with. But if it gets to the point where you are trying to maybe set some boundaries and this
person is just not handling it well, or they don’t understand why you need to set boundaries with
communication, then that’s a good sign that you probably need to end the relationship. Things are
probably not going to get better, they’re likely just going to get worse. So just learn to be very aware of
these early signs and and understand that boundaries are healthy. So if someone doesn’t understand
your boundaries or your need for them, you do not have to continue to entertain them. The last red flag
I have for you, and this also has to do with boundaries, is when someone pressures you to engage in
physical intimacy before you are ready.
Now this is a super mega red flag. Deal breaker absolutely should never happen. You should never feel
pressured by someone that you’re dating, especially someone that you’re just on like a first or second
date with to do these things. The relationship should be respectful and you should be able to have open
and honest conversations about what you’re both comfortable with. Under no circumstance should you
feel pressured to do something that you are not ready to do. So looking back on these, I realize that
many of these are deal breakers, or at least they would be in my book. There’s only a couple that I think
could potentially be worked on or could potentially change, and that is issues with inconsistency,
lateness, canceling plans, that kind of thing. You might be able to let that play out a little bit longer, talk
to ’em about how you’re feeling and see if they change those behaviors.
And then also lack of communication or lack of transparency on certain topics. Again, this is something
that you can bring up to them, have an open and honest conversation. Say, Hey, I would really like to
know more about these aspects of your life. And then they can choose to share with you, or they can
choose to continue to be kind of sketchy. And if they are, then you know that it’s time to move on.
Ideally, these are the things that you want to be looking for. These are the green flags, and that is good
communication skills, honesty, transparency, empathy, both towards you and towards other people.
Respect for your boundaries, trustworthiness, reliability, having a positive attitude or outlook on life,
and also having emotional intelligence, being aware of their own emotions and the emotions of other
people. Just remember that no one is perfect, but you don’t have to be perfect to have good character.
All right, now it’s time for some q and a. I received this submission from a listener and it reads, hello,
listen to your podcast, love them. My question is this. I was in a relationship for over four years and it
was extremely toxic, rollercoaster, so many breakups, narcissism, love bombing, gaslighting, you name
it, I have learned so much about it. Broke up finally again, and for the last time in mid-October, have
been alone since, which was difficult at first, and holidays were bad. Was on a dating site for a couple
weeks and hated them. Only went on one date through there. And no luck. I am off of them and have
been. So here’s the wrench. I decided I would just be alone and have and will continue to do things with
other women and friends. I volunteer at my church on the medical team and met a man there recently
who is interested.
We talk often, have deep conversations, and he checks all the boxes. It’s only been like three weeks, but
feels fast. I enjoy his company, we laugh together, we share the same interests, same goals. He is
handsome, but maybe not exactly what I would go for. Everything seems like it is going in the right
direction, and he is all in. So why am I reluctant? I’m scared that I won’t be able to be totally in and will
hurt him. I’m confused as to why I wouldn’t be totally in, if he checks all those boxes and is and would be
so good to me. Can that attraction grow? How can I know? Thanks in advance. I really hope you can help
guide me. So when you’re getting out of a toxic relationship, there are a lot of emotions there, right?
There is a lot of relief. But then there’s also some fear when it comes to moving forward.
A lot of us, when we exit these relationships, we’re kind of nervous about our next relationship and
whether we’re going to get into the same type of situation or deal with the same kind of person. But the
good news is, and what we learn from being in those types of relationships is how to set boundaries and
understanding what we really don’t want in a relationship. It sounds like you’ve really been able to find
some peace since then, so I am so happy for you about that. So because the world works in mysterious
ways, you now have this man in your life who is checking all of your boxes. You are having great
conversations with you, enjoy each other, you laugh together, but you’re feeling apprehensive about the
situation. And that is completely normal. Considering the fact that you went from being in this situation
for four years where you likely felt a lot of anxiety to then being able to establish some peace in your
You don’t really wanna give up that sense of peace, or at least that’s how I felt when I was in a similar
situation. But the thing is, you don’t have to, you don’t have to go all in if you don’t want to. If you are
interested in this person and you wanna get to know him more and you wanna spend more time with
him, then you can verbalize that to him. But you can also let him know, Hey, I kind of wanna take this
slow and decide what that means for you. If that means maybe going on one day a week and just seeing
how you feel, then just be honest about that. If he is a kind understanding person, like it sounds like he
is, then he will be receptive to that. He will understand if you don’t wanna go all in, whatever that
means for you.
And you have to remember, you don’t have to marry this person it, you don’t have to decide your whole
future right this second. If you’re interested but you wanna take things slow, then you just need to have
that conversation with him. Now, when you say that you’re scared that you’re going to hurt him, you
can’t really worry about that. You can go into this with pure intentions and be open and honest, but you
cannot control other people’s feelings. If he’s going to feel hurt, it’s, it’s going to be because he feels
hurt. It’s not because you made him feel hurt. If you’re worried that you’re just not attracted to him
enough. I do want you to know that yes, the that attraction can grow. Physical attraction is definitely
important, but sometimes the more emotionally attracted we become to someone, the more physically
attractive they become to us.
And that emotional and that spiritual attraction is what will sustain the relationship far longer than any
physical attraction will. You know, we’re all gonna get old and wrinkly someday, but you might as well
get old and wrinkly with somebody that you laugh really hard with and that you love and is special to
you. Yes, physical attraction is part of it, but physical attraction is something that can grow, whereas
that emotional and spiritual attraction is, is not as easy. So I think you should think about the life that
you want for yourself and the relationship that you want. And if this person is someone that, like you
said, checks a lot of those boxes, then maybe take a chance on it. And like I said, I think it’s important to
be open and honest in your communication. Tell him how you’re feeling, see if he’s receptive to it, and
go from there.
Allow yourself to relieve some of the pressure that you feel about the situation. Just enjoy it. Enjoy the
company. Enjoy this new person that you’re spending time with and just take it one small step at a time
if that’s what you wanna do. Thanks so much for this question. If you have a question that you would
like me to answer on the show for you, send me an email, it’s firstname.lastname@example.org. Thanks
so much for joining me this week. I will see you next time.
Are you ready and determined to make this
next season of your life the best season of your life? I believe that any person who is willing to invest in
their personal growth has the ability to accomplish anything, and I wanna give you the tools to make
that happen. That’s why I created Heartbreak Hero. It’s my premier program designed to help high value
people just like you heal from their breakup, discover who they truly are and find their ideal partner.
Visit theheartbreaknurse.com to sign up now and get ready to make your comeback.
ICU nurse by day,
breakup coach by night.
After dealing with a devastating heartbreak that turned my world upside down, I made a conscious decision to pursue the life of my dreams and never settle.
Now, I teach other women how to do the same.
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FUN FACT: MY FAVORITE PIZZA IS HAWAIIAN (AND I'LL NEVER CHANGE MY MIND ABOUT IT!)
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